I’ve had a lot of… feelings this week. Not all of them good. I think it’s because I’ve been dealing with a constant low-to-medium buzz of pain for over a month now. But also the reason for that pain, my right foot, means I can’t drive or even participate in the basic human function of walking. And I have retreated into my work to compensate. Into myself. It feels a lot like 2020 all over again. But it’s only me experiencing it.
When I’ve felt this sort of alienating loneliness in the past, I have made my retreat into the cold comfort of a computer. This has been no exception. I’ve been building wings onto this website, writing custom solutions and eschewing plugins. All to make my online home feel more “personal.” I’m sending up signal fires and not even consciously aware of it.
This is all probably a distraction to keep me from feeling trapped and alone. It’s been fun, but I desperately want to go *somewhere.*
When I did freelance many years back, or even when I had completed a massive project for a number of weeks, I would go somewhere on Fridays. Usually a bar (always a bar). And I’d sit with a beer and just… be around humanity. I’d sit and soak it all in. The sounds of a jukebox. Friends greeting each other. Laughter. And though I’d still be by myself, I didn’t feel as lonely. Right now I feel like a spring, wound too tight. And I desperately want to unwind.
I realized it this week. I’ve been building. Coding. Drawing. Making things. Because I can control the work, and I can control it sitting in my office. And this week it hit me that I really want to go be anywhere else but in this chair. And all this work I’ve been doing on this website is to bring people to me if I can’t go to them. That’s always been the lonely promise of “being online.”
I had an MRI today. No one can tell me what I did to myself. I only felt something strain, bend, snap, in my foot. I hope I have answers soon. And I hope I can leave this pain behind.
